


Our Secret

by mariamomo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Smut, M/M, jaehyun is a soft dom, taeyong and jaehyun were hosts, very soft dom/sub
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2018-12-08 04:53:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11639319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariamomo/pseuds/mariamomo
Summary: Taeyong used to work at a host bar, a dark part of his very recent past that he wants to erase. But it's easier said than done when one of his previous co-workers, Jaehyun, happens to be his university roommate.





	1. Chapter 1

Taeyong was always an optimistic sort of person, despite his life experiences. It was due to his life circumstances, that he rarely played at his friend's houses in middle school; obligated to come home early to help his mother with housework. Due to his life circumstances, he wasn't able to focus on his studies properly during high school; paying more attention to his part time job than even dreaming of going to a cram school. And it was due to his life circumstances that he carried a huge burden, a secret that enabled him to overcome these life circumstances. To tell someone that secret, would be to reopen the house he had moved out of with a thrown away key. And just like that, the secret would spill out through the doors and windows with no form at all. 

 

A thing that was daunting for Taeyong was the fact that today was a fresh start. He had too many times let his optimism get the better of him. A fragment in his mind refused to let him think that things would be different this year when they so often weren't. But despite all the uncertainty, Taeyong took the plunge, after all, he was given this opportunity by a past client. While everyone else in his dorm had their parents helping them move in, Taeyong struggled two boxes at a time; even after being asked by an eager girl and her mother if he needed help. The light-haired boy had finished shuffling in with his final box of books, before collapsing onto one of the two beds provided in the basic twin room. Taeyong was mostly relieved to find out that his roommate hadn't moved in yet, and let out a sigh, looking up at the ceiling blankly. Was it the right move to go to university when his mother was still struggling to make ends meet? What if he couldn't find a job after he graduated with the money he was given? What if he couldn't graduate let alone find a job? These were all questions that spiralled through his mind.  
"You're here, Taeyong...you made the first step," he chided to himself. 

That evening Taeyong made a light dinner of japchae. The setting he found himself in- the communal kitchen with people he didn't know unnerved him.  
"Can I borrow some salt?" a tall boy with a bright smile asked.  
"Sure," Taeyong said handing over the shaker.  
"What's your name by the way?" the boy asked, sprinkling the salt in a manner which resembled the popular 'salt bae' meme. Taeyong laughed a little despite himself.  
"I'm Lee Tae Yong, and you?"  
"Johnny," he said, mixing a tiny bowl of a side dish dubiously.  
Taeyong cocked his head to one side "Are you Korean-American?"  
The tall boy nodded in response, "You can call me Yeong Ho if you want though."  
"No no, Johnny suits you!"  
Johnny leaned against the kitchen counter, hands inside his large joggers' pockets, "So how do you like your room mate?"  
Taeyong scratched the back of his neck "Actually he hasn't arrived yet."  
Johnny raised his eyebrows, "Well I'll introduce you to the rest of the people on this floor so you don't feel out of place. Follow me!"  
Johnny beckoned Taeyong into the communal area where a handful of people were sat on swivel chairs, chatting and drinking beer.  
"This is Lee Tae Yong", Johnny declared vivaciously, making sure to pronounce every syllable and practically kneel to display a startled Taeyong.  
Johnny pointed at a long-legged girl with short hair, "This is Minhee."  
Taeyong smiled and said hello despite finding it hard to maintain eye contact.  
"The girl sitting next to her is Esther- she's also Korean-American, and that's Yuta and Ten- they're international students."  
Taeyong made an effort at smiling and bowing at each flatmate individually and they all mirrored, offering him a beer in return.  
"No thanks, I've got to unpack but maybe tomorrow," he politely declined, before going to the kitchen to clean his bowl. 

In the middle of the night, Taeyong was disturbed in his sleep by a faint sound off in the distance of his foggy consciousness. Although he was a light sleeper, the noise only woke him in a start after some minutes had passed. It was a quiet and repetitive knock that unnerved him. He clicked a button on his phone, the screen reading "3:30 A.M." Was a flatmate drunk and trying to get into his room? Was it Johnny? Questions raced through his mind one after another as they usually did. But as Taeyong was now out of his sleep, he realised that a drunk student probably wouldn't knock continually on his door. It must be his roommate, he thought. Stumbling out of his bed, he opened the door an inch. 

There in the dark hallway stood a tall dark-haired boy. Though Taeyong couldn't make out his face, he wore a backpack and was holding an additional box.  
"Sorry for waking you up this early, I was a little late moving in," the tall boy whispered.  
"No no, it's fine, come in," Taeyong murmured, rubbing his eyes a little before letting him in.  
The boy collapsed on his bed putting his backpack down by his desk.  
"Do you mind if I turn the lamp on just for half an hour to unpack my clothes? I have an early start so I won't really have time tomorrow?" he whispered at Taeyong who was back under the covers at this point.  
Taeyong let out a polite 'yes', despite his slight annoyance.  
A few moments later, Taeyong stirred from his sleep, opening his eyes and welcomed by the warm lamp light. He realised he had not got a proper look at his new roommate and his breathing hitched as he took in the appearance of the boy before him. He resembled someone Taeyong once knew, but he thought it a stupid idea and turned onto his other side. Despite him brushing off his afterthoughts, he made sure to keep his face hidden by his blanket for the rest of the early morning.

 

Jaehyun walked into the lecture hall, a slight smile on his face. Though he made a late start moving into his dormitory, he anticipated this academic year in the university he got into, with a scholarship on a late admission. He was about to make his way up to find a seat when the professor, a slight woman of about forty, stopped him. Her glasses balanced tenaciously on her nose.  
"Jung Jae Hyun...nice to meet you, I'm Ms Kang your literature theory lecturer for this semester. Let's have a good one!" She said abruptly, looking through her framed glasses.  
Jaehyun bowed confusedly, he had never met such an enthusiastic teacher in all his life. But this was a university, where education supposedly came first and he was excited about this prospect.  
He found a seat near towards the front, knowing that sitting at the back would do no good for his grades but only aid as a nice sleeping spot. 

Within the last half an hour of the lecture, a boy shuffled in, bowing almost immediately at Ms.Kang, his large eyes apologetic. This was greeted by Ms.Kang's continued speech, as though he wasn't there. Jaehyun bit the end of his pen and squinted his eyes, he was sure he knew that boy. 

"Let's end here, shall we. Lee Tae Yong, see me after this please," Ms.Kang announced.  
As the lecture ended, everyone got up from their seats and started spilling out of the hall. Lee Taeyong? Jaehyun swore he knew that name and as he was the last to pack away his notebook and pens, that thought was confirmed. Taeyong was the large eyed boy who came in late. He was also the boy who worked with Jaehyun in a host bar less than a year ago.


	2. Chapter 2

The same day progressed into a warm hazy night, the rain falling softly outside of the kitchen window.  
Taeyong and Johnny were sat at the table, finishing a box of steaming fried chicken, the only acceptable midnight snack they both agreed.  
"So how did you find your first day of classes?" Johnny asked sucking a bone clean as if he was a starving man.  
Taeyong nodded hesitantly, "Pretty good. I was late to my first lecture, though."  
" _Late?_ Our dorm building is literally a 2 minute walk to the humanities block," Johnny pointed out, sipping his beer.  
Taeyong felt queasy just looking at the white can of beer before him. He hadn't drunk alcohol for a good few months now, since he worked in the host bar at least. At the host bar, the men were expected to drink alcohol every day. Taeyong had vomited several times a week during that time, his body grew weaker and as a result, he had a growing distaste for alcohol. Despite this, he took a sip of his can, feeling the bitter liquid transform and spread warmth through his chest and stomach.  
"I overslept, my new roommate came in at..." Taeyong trailed off as the dark-haired boy, his roommate, walked in. Taeyong's first encounter with him earlier today was a confused one. For one, he was half asleep and for another, it was pitch dark in the dorms. Even with the bedroom lamp light on, Taeyong was unsure if his eyes were playing tricks on him. But under the bright fluorescent lighting in the kitchen, his roommate's features were clearer, his dimples visible as he greeted them with a hesitant smile. This was, in fact, Jaehyun, the boy that taught him everything he knew about the host bar.

* * *

**10 months earlier**

"It's not about _sex_ \- it's about companionship. Most of the female clients here are middle-aged and look for nothing more than to spend their money on a good looking guy," Jaehyun said to Taeyong, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
It was Taeyong's first day drinking with clients at the club. Evening fast approached, the sky darkening and the neon lights of the bar and other clubs dazzling. Taeyong sat on the steps outside of the building, Jaehyun standing. The white neon lights of their own club shone behind Taeyong, outlining his body and hair in a white light so that he resembled an angel.  
"What if the women don't like my look?" Taeyong asked, chewing on his forefinger and looking up at Jaehyun with wide eyes.  
Jaehyun shook his head, "You'll be popular. You might not be able to make as much money as you would in Japan, but it'll be plain sailing for someone as handsome as you."  
Taeyong took a final sip of beer, rolling the beer can around and examining the contents in thought. "How long do you think you'll work here?"  
Jaehyun cocked his head, "It's hard to tell. As long as it takes me to save up money for university, I guess."

In actuality, it was only after 5 months of working there, that Taeyong realised it _was_ about the sex just as much as it was about the companionship. If a client wanted sex, Taeyong agreed to it, knowing that if he didn't- they would take their business elsewhere and go to a different host bar. That is the exact thing that happened to Jaehyun, who quit completely after his clients left one by one in the winter of that year.

* * *

Johnny stared at Jaehyun, a figure of confusion.  
"I'm Jaehyun, his roommate. Who I apologise again for waking up so early this morning" he said, nodding his head towards an embarrassed Taeyong.  
"It's fine," Taeyong mumbled. His cheeks were now a deep shade of red and Jaehyun wondered if it was because he had been drinking or he was shy, concluding it was the latter.  
"I'm Johnny, this is Taeyong. What are you majoring in?"  
Jaehyun tore his eyes away from Taeyong and focused on Johnny now, thinking it would only be polite.  
"Literature, what about you?" Jaehyun asked, leaning against the kitchen tabletop.  
"Economics," Johnny said before snapping his fingers, "You guys major in the same thing! Roommates and classmates, that's a rare one."  
Taeyong looked down at the now empty box of chicken, his stare so concentrated that he began to feel his eyes water. Anything to keep his gaze away from Jaehyun, who had handsomely matured since the last time Taeyong had seen him.  
"And how old are you?" Johnny inquired.  
"Ah, really Johnny...is this 21 questions?" Taeyong asked, turning to him impatiently.  
Johnny shrugged, "I was just curious."  
"I'm twenty," Jaehyun replied.  
"I'm twenty-two. And Taeyong you are-?"  
"Twenty-two as well."  
"Wow...looks like you're the baby of the dorm Jaehyun!" Johnny exclaimed.  
Jaehyun raised an eyebrow and smirked, "Looks like it." 

The week that followed involved a red-faced Taeyong going to bed extremely late, so he wouldn't have to interact with the younger boy. Jaehyun, on the other hand, loved every minute of it. Some would call him weird, but he took great pleasure at looking at an unaware Taeyong, creeping around the room. Taeyong glanced innocently towards Jaehyun's bed, making sure he was asleep each time before he would take his shirt off and lay in his bed, exposing his toned arms and smooth skin. 

By the end of the week, Taeyong had got used to his new routine at the university. He didn't mind if he was a little late to class, after all, he knew Ms.Kang. So each morning, he waited for Jaehyun to get up first. That way, he was able to avoid him at both day and night. Although he was used to the routine, he did find it difficult to sleep, now knowing the person, who shared his secret was his roommate. 

On a particularly bright morning, Taeyong stirred from his sleep. The sun was streaming through the curtains and he stretched sleepily. He checked his phone, only to read that the time was 8:40 A.M, meaning he had slept through his alarm that usually went off when Jaehyun was having breakfast and had less than 20 minutes to get ready for his lecture.  
Taeyong stumbled out of his bed, and grabbed onto the bathroom door handle only to be pushed back as a startled Jaehyun came out.  
He was shirtless with only a towel at his waist, as he held another towel around his neck to dry his tousled brown hair.  
"Hyung! Sorry I didn't see you there," Jaehyun laughed. His voice still had a slight trace of sleep in it.  
Taeyong didn't understand why his heart was beating so much, but he could feel the pulse within his chest and in the bottom of his throat; strong and present.  
"It's okay," he replied, smiling though avoiding his gaze.  
Jaehyun rubbed at his hair with a towel. "Are you running late too?"  
Taeyong nodded. He desperately wanted to reply, but his tongue felt heavy in his mouth, as though if he spoke; his words would come out as nonsense.  
"I'll get out of your way then," Jaehyun said, stepping out of the bathroom doorway.  
"Thanks," Taeyong responded, cowering into the bathroom.  
As he closed the door behind him, he leaned back against it and sighed deeply.  
He was unaware as to why Jaehyun now had this affect on him. It had only been half a year since he last saw him. Perhaps it was because Taeyong was so absorbed with his new job at that time, that he had not properly observed the younger boy. But they were living together now, and would constantly be in each other’s presence. 

Jaehyun pretended he was looking at something on his phone while sitting on his bed. Taeyong glanced at him and uttered a small "See you in class."  
"Okay, hyung," Jaehyun replied and Taeyong quickly disappeared out of the room. If he hadn't left in such a hurry, he would have seen the smirk that remained on Jaehyun's lips.  
Jaehyun knew he couldn't afford to be late, but he wanted to get a seat near Taeyong. He knew if he arrived to class earlier, that Taeyong would spot and avoid him. Jaehyun could feel Taeyong's fear and he wasn't sure why. They were co-workers and arguably even friends some months ago. But it gave the younger boy great pleasure. 

 

Just as he had perfectly planned, Taeyong was sat near towards the back of the lecture hall, placing his book and laptop out before him.  
Jaehyun shuffled in next to Taeyong, but the elder didn't give him any sign of acknowledgement. Taeyong was working hard, keeping his head down as he pressed the keyboard. His brows were furrowed in concentration and he bit his pink lips simultaneously. 

"For the second half of the class, I want you to partner up and discuss points of criticism based on the literature excerpts we've read," Ms.Kang explained, striding from one side of the lecture hall to the other. Though her body was petite, she had a bigger presence than anyone else in the room of fifty-odd students. 

"Well...." Taeyong mumbled after an uncomfortable silence had descended. "All bildungsroman will be subject to some criticism. They're usually predictable."  
"Can I see your notes?"  
Taeyong nodded as Jaehyun made quick work of shuffling closer to him to the point where their arms were now touching. And Taeyong's heart was beating once again, with everywhere beginning to ache. His arm ached, his heart ached and the pit of his stomach ached. The sudden point of contact left Taeyong flustered.  
Jaehyun leaned over to view Taeyong's laptop and transfer a few points into his notepad, of course, all very intentionally. Their legs were now touching. Jaehyun caught a gentle smell of something sweet on Taeyong's hair, maybe vanilla but he wasn't sure for definite. He just knew it made him want to be closer to the older boy than he already was. Which he knew wasn't physically possible unless Taeyong were to sit on his lap.  
Taeyong could feel Jaehyun's stare on his hands which were now folded in his lap, _did he look pathetic? Could Jaehyun sense his apprehension?_ With that, Taeyong shuffled away slightly, but not abruptly.  
"You've got good points. Have you thought about being a literary critic after you graduate?" Jaehyun asked.  
Taeyong shook his head. "I don't think so."  
Truthfully, Taeyong wondered why they were talking so casually about education and job plans when they both carried such a deep secret, so abnormal and alien to all the other students in the room. But perhaps Jaehyun really _didn't_ remember Taeyong. Jaehyun must have met and mentored new boys all the time and so it would be easy to forget the older boy. The host bar Taeyong worked at had two-hundred hosts alone, so it would be understandable. Despite this, Taeyong uttered a question.  
"Do you remember me...?"  
Jaehyun glanced at the boy next to him who was still sat looking at his hands.  
There a few moments of silence before Taeyong went on, "Sorry it's a stupid question, we only just me-".  
"I do remember you," Jaehyun interjected nudging Taeyong playfully. Taeyong's eyes widened and he raised them to look at Jaehyun.  
"Have you...been okay? It's been a long time since you quit," Taeyong asked quietly, though his tone had a newfound confidence to it.  
"Yes, I quit the ho- that place, and got a scholarship. My grades were good enough."  
Taeyong nodded, "I'm happy for you."  
Jaehyun searched Taeyong's face with a tenacious stare, "When did you cut ties with that place?"  
Taeyong averted his eyes and reopened a document on his laptop. "Maybe we shouldn't be talking about this stuff here..."  
"No, no you're right. Another time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were a few things I wanted to explain in detail but decided not to. All will be revealed eventually!  
> Comments are always appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

As cliche as it sounded, autumn always reminded Taeyong of new beginnings. All traces of summer would be erased, leaving fallen leaves and fresh air in its wake. It was a time for nature and people alike to rejuvenate, the way he saw it. So why was it that he felt that his past was resurfacing so obviously? It was _him_ who confirmed to Jaehyun that they worked at the host bar together. When he could've easily pretended that he had never met the younger boy before. But Taeyong couldn't keep the secret buried any longer, not when he felt the rising tension between the two of them. 

"It's time to turn your essays in before we wrap up this lesson. And you'll be happy to know, I'm not too busy today so they will be graded in time for our next lecture together!" Ms Kang exclaimed a little too cheerfully.  
What followed was a collective sigh from the students. Ms Kang ran a hard class, and the bright eager faces from a few weeks ago were replaced by weary expressions.  
Taeyong oddly hadn't attended many classes this week, Jaehyun noticed. But since he attended class today, Jaehyun made sure to give him extra attention.  
He nudged the older boy, "Did you do the essay?"  
Taeyong slowed down packing his laptop in his bag "No...."  
Jaehyun's eyes widened in response. It was the norm for students to sometimes not do classwork or study, but this was Ms Kang's class. Not only was she their professor, but she was also the Director of the entire English department Jaehyun had learnt.  
"Is something up?"  
Taeyong shook his head and made for the door, leaving a confused Jaehyun behind. 

That evening, Taeyong was looking for a snack in the kitchen, but instead found Jaehyun reading alone at the breakfast bar. There was an almost empty glass of red wine next to him. Due to it being a Friday, all the people of their floor were out drinking. Taeyong wondered why a confident person like Jaehyun wasn't out doing the same, after all, from what he could remember, Jaehyun was a great entertainer at the host bar. One of those life-of-the-party types. Jaehyun didn't strike Taeyong as the introverted type but perhaps he had his reasons. 

Jaehyun peered up from his book, his expression calm but not content. He gave Taeyong a small smile despite himself.  
Taeyong, feeling a pang of guilt inside him for an unknown reason, came to sit on the adjacent swivel chair.  
"Is it interesting?" Taeyong asked nodding to the book Jaehyun held.  
"It's for our class next week," Jaehyun responded, holding up its black cover towards Taeyong, "haven't you started reading it yet?"  
Taeyong shook his head silently.  
The younger boy placed his book down on the tabletop.  
"You seem a bit out of it this week...Do you want a drink?" Jaehyun asked. But he was already standing up and getting Taeyong a glass before he could respond.  
Taeyong scrunched his nose in distaste but still continued to sip the blood red liquid. The action made him resemble that of a small child.  
"Is everything okay? I know it's not my place to say. But we've known each other for quite a while...we're friends," Jaehyun said softly.  
Something inside Taeyong flinched. _What was it about Jaehyun's soft words that were so juxtaposing to the position he was in right now?_  
"Schools fine- everything is fine," Taeyong backtracked, but Jaehyun could see through the lie.  
Jaehyun turned around slightly on his chair, making sure they really were alone before he went on.  
"Is it family?"  
"No...no, nothing like that," Taeyong murmured into his wine glass.  
"Do you have money problems?"  
"No, I have plenty of money," he replied.  
"You don't still work there do you?" Jaehyun asked, his eyebrows furrowed with concern.  
Taeyong flashed the younger boy a helpless look and Jaehyun sighed deeply in response.  
"You haven't left have you?"  
Taeyong traced his forefinger around the glass, "I have...I just keep in contact with one of my clients."  
"What do you mean keep in contact? Are you having _sex_ with them?" Jaehyun inquired, a sound of disbelief in his voice.  
"No...I don't need to do that anymore," the elder mumbled.  
"Anymore? So you already did?" Jaehyun rubbed his nose bridge with a forefinger and thumb. He felt a sudden sense of guilt, for disappearing out of Taeyong's life when he knew the older boy really needed him. He had misled Taeyong and skimmed over the dark parts of the host club before it was too late for him to think twice about working there.  
"Well, what did you expect me to do? I couldn't say no, could I? I signed up for this!" Taeyong exclaimed. There was a sharp tone to his voice, a harsh sound Jaehyun had never heard before. 

After a long period of silence had descended upon the two boys, Taeyong spoke again, calmer now.  
"Is that why you left?"  
Jaehyun nodded. "I knew sex was a possibility. But I had been successful without having to do that. But the same clients I had, started wanting more and more things from me. It's my fault."  
"Why is it your fault?" Taeyong questioned, folding his arms onto the counter.  
"I sugar coated what working at the host club was like. It wasn't intentional. I got you into something you probably didn't expect," Jaehyun sighed.  
"No you didn't sugarcoat it, I was the one who applied for this job. I knew what I was getting myself into. And it showed- I was really nervous on my first day."  
Jaehyun nudged Taeyong "I remember. It was cute though."  
Taeyong's cheeks reddened and he took another sip of wine. At least if he got a little tipsy, he could blame his blushing cheeks on the alcohol. 

Jaehyun jumped off of the swivel chair, taking his book and bottle with him.  
"I can read it to you if you want? Since you probably won't have time now. Think of it as a summary."  
Taeyong nodded and that's how the two boys ended up sprawled out on Jaehyun's bed reading a book about a sleepless man who doesn't mind that a thief comes to rob his house.  
The book itself was completely surreal and it did not help that both of the boys were beginning to feel intoxicated. Taeyong could've easily sat on his own bed, but a combination of tipsiness and lust resulted in the unusual placement.  
At some point during this ordeal, Taeyong had moved to laying his head on Jaehyun's lap.  
Jaehyun didn't take in the words of the novel, his mouth simply voiced them. His mind was preoccupied with the heat pooling in the bottom of his stomach as Taeyong rested his head on Jaehyun's bare thighs. But after a while of reading, and no response from Taeyong, he looked down to find him asleep.  
"Taeyong?" Jaehyun asked, pinching his cheek softly between his forefinger and thumb, "Taeyong are you awake?"  
Jaehyun observed the gentle rise and fall of his chest, only slightly apparent, in silence.  
Jaehyun then squeezed the corners of Taeyong's lips so they puckered to form a duck face. Jaehyun had never seen Taeyong in such an endearing position and he wanted to take advantage of that.  
"Cute!" Jaehyun whispered, chuckling slightly.  
It was only when Jaehyun removed his fingers from Taeyong's face, that he could see his lips curve into a faint smile. _Was he awake through all of that?_ Jaehyun wondered.  
His eyes flickered open, answering Jaehyun's thoughts.  
"What?" Jaehyun asked embarrassed.  
Taeyong looked up at Jaehyun. "What were you doing?" he asked with intent.  
"Just checking if you were awake or not," Jaehyun mumbled, shifting a little. That was the signal for Taeyong to sit up and get into his own bed. 

The next evening mirrored the previous one, though they didn't speak much at all. As if it was to be a routine, Jaehyun and Taeyong silently took their places on Jaehyun's bed. Jaehyun would read a part of the book to Taeyong, they would drink a little and carry on. And although neither particularly enjoyed drinking, as it brought back such intense memories of the host bar, around each other they could use it comfortably as a form of escape.  
"Did you like the book?" Jaehyun asked.  
Taeyong nodded with a smile on his face. Though his expression was slightly dazed, his half-lidded gaze scanned Jaehyun's face in a confidence he had not seen before. Taeyong hadn't been able to maintain eye contact with Jaehyun for more than a few seconds, but since he was tipsy, it was easy for him. He spent what seemed like a few minutes examining Jaehyun's face, and it was now time for the younger boy to blush.  
"Jaehyunnie- I've been bad," Taeyong slurred, closing his eyes momentarily.  
Jaehyun looked down at the boy beneath him.  
"Bad? You could never be bad," Jaehyun laughed softly.  
Taeyong nodded slowly "I've been a bad person."  
_So that was his drinking habit_ , Jaehyun thought. Taeyong would pour out his feelings after he had too much to drink.  
Before Jaehyun could ask anything more, Taeyong's eyes were closing again.  
"Let's get you into bed," Jaehyun said gently, propping Taeyong up and stumbling to carry him into his own bed.  
"Good night, hyung," Jaehyun whispered as he leaned down and proceeded to plant a small kiss on the older boy's cheek. Taeyong's face felt flushed and hot under Jaehyun's lips, and Jaehyun wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or his own action that was making Taeyong's skin feel like that. But he hoped that it was the latter.  
Jaehyun wondered if Taeyong would remember in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly I'm so sorry it's taken ages to upload this rubbish chapter. I've been sick and transferring universities so it's been hectic. This turned out fluffier than expected lol. Comments are always welcome and thank you so much for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

The two boys were sat eating cup ramen in their room. Jaehyun on the swivel chair by his desk and Taeyong on his bed. It was Jaehyun who had decided to go to his room, Taeyong simply followed. And that pleased the younger boy. The other flatmates were friendly enough, but he didn't have an interest in them. He was also pleased he could eat nighttime snacks in front of his roommate without fear of judgement.  
Taeyong contemplated on the dream he had last night. He often dreamed, but yesterday was something surreal. One of those scenarios where you couldn't quite work out if it was real or imaginary. He remembered soft lips on his cheek, in his mind those lips belonged to a dark-haired boy. Those lips belonged to Jaehyun. The realisation filled Taeyong with warmth and tenderness, but also a shyness that forced his gaze to focus on his cup of half-eaten noodles.  
"Hyung, are they not delicious?" Jaehyun asked, his mouth half full.  
Taeyong nodded "No, no, they are."  
Jaehyun was about to ask him what he was doing tomorrow when Taeyong's phone started to ring.  
"Hello?"  
There was a pause, and Taeyong's lips formed into a pout.  
"Ah...now?" he asked, biting his lips in a concentrated sort of way.  
Jaehyun glanced at Taeyong, curious as to what was being said on the other side of the phone.  
"I see, I see. Bye." Taeyong watched the caller end the conversation before locking his phone and putting it into his trouser pocket.  
Jaehyun looked at Taeyong blankly, as if it was more polite to avoid asking who it was. But then Jaehyun remembered that the older boy had mentioned keeping in contact with one of his clients.  
"It's an old high school friend, she wants to meet me," Taeyong explained standing up before Jaehyun could ask.  
Jaehyun mirrored his action, getting up too.  
"It's 1 a.m...why can't you guys meet tomorrow? Is it safe for her to be meeting you alone?"  
Taeyong nodded a little too quickly. "Her brother will probably drop her off."  
Jaehyun had several questions that needed answering but didn't want to come across as eager. He chewed on the side of his finger, suppressing himself from asking anything more.  
Taeyong was already wrapping a large grey scarf around his neck and putting on his long padded coat.  
"I'll get going then," he said, trying for a smile.  
"Okay...have fun," Jaehyun murmured.  
"Thanks, I'll see you later," Taeyong replied gently, before shuffling to the door and leaving.  
Jaehyun sat on his bed for a moment and contemplated sending Taeyong a Kakao message, but he realised he had never asked for his number. A panic was beginning to rise in the pit of Jaehyun's stomach. He didn't know who Taeyong was meeting at such a late time. But he knew it probably wasn't a high school friend.  
Before Jaehyun had time to dissuade himself, he was putting on his duffle jacket and shoes and running out after Taeyong.  
The older boy hadn't made it far, he was standing on the adjacent pathway, his chin buried deep into his scarf to keep the cold out. He was looking at something on his phone, the light of the screen illuminating his concentrated face.  
"Are you sure you're fine to go alone?" Jaehyun asked hesitantly.  
"You scared me," Taeyong breathed putting a hand over his beating heart. It was cute but Jaehyun could sense his anxiety.  
"Sorry," Jaehyun laughed awkwardly, "Aren't you meeting your friend?"  
"Ah...yeah. I was just checking something," Taeyong replied, turning his phone to face Jaehyun for a short moment.  
A silence hung over them, it was awkward and stifling. Jaehyun now knew well enough that Taeyong wasn't meeting any kind of high school friend, he could tell by the look of unease on his face. But maybe Jaehyun was wrong. Maybe Taeyong was incredibly relaxed around his clients and treated them as if they were really his girlfriends. The idea upset him, despite having had the same job less than a year ago.  
"Since we're roommates and pretty close now, could I have your number?" Jaehyun asked, fumbling a little to retrieve his phone from his coat pocket.  
Taeyong nodded, taking Jaehyun's phone and typing in the number, before handing it back to Jaehyun.  
The younger boy glanced at his phone, reading **"Taeyonggie"** accompanied by a zipped mouth emoji, and raised an eyebrow.  
"What time do you think you'll be back?" Jaehyun asked, trying to sound casual. But his tone already had an air of concern to it.  
"Maybe 3...?"  
"Have a nice time then. I probably won't sleep so don't worry about waking me up."  
Taeyong nodded in response, waving at Jaehyun and disappearing into the wintry darkness down the road. 

It had just gone 4 a.m. and Jaehyun was sat on the low wall outside of their dorm building, waiting for Taeyong. He didn't know what had urged him so intensely to wait outside when he could have waited inside their room. He could've even gone to sleep. But Jaehyun couldn't deny that he cared for the older boy, and part of that caring included the unfortunate obligation to also worry. As the stars were beginning to fade from the early morning sky, Jaehyun found it increasingly hard to sleep. So there he was, sitting and waiting. He had written and rewritten several messages to Taeyong. _'Are you coming back soon?'_ and _'Do you want me to meet you?'_ all sounded too eager. His hand hovered over the send button and without realising _'Where are you?'_ was sent. The little yellow number 1 still remained after a few minutes, making Jaehyun feel uneasy. 

His eyelids were beginning to grow heavy when he made out two figures in the early morning haze. They were walking on the grassy intersection, one significantly taller than the other. The taller one was stumbling a little, the shorter walking normally. Jaehyun stood up and shoved his hands into his duffle coat. His eyes now focused, he made out Taeyong's face. The taller boy being the person he had met on his first day, though he couldn't remember his name.  
"Jaehyun, what are you doing out here?" Taeyong asked confusedly.  
The dark-haired boy looked at Taeyong and Johnny and back to Taeyong again.  
"I just came out to smoke..." Jaehyun trailed off. Although he hated to admit it, lying came so naturally to Jaehyun. The ease to tell a lie was practised and perfected from working at the host bar and lying to clingy customers.  
"I'd ask for a cigarette, but I'm so sleepy. I just need to sleeeeeeeep," Johnny sung, leaving the two boys behind and clumsily going inside.  
The sounds of the city mixed lazily into the night air.  
"I didn't know you smoked," Taeyong said suddenly, moving towards Jaehyun.  
"Actually I don't. So, what's he doing here?" Jaehyun asked.  
"Who? Johnny? He went drinking and I saw him and we came back together."  
Jaehyun played with his hands for a moment. "Did you have fun? It's pretty late."  
Taeyong took out his phone and looked at the screen "Oh...it _is_ pretty late now."  
"Yeah, anyway it's the weekend so you can sleep."  
Taeyong smiled gently, "I didn't see your message. I'm sorry."  
Jaehyun shrugged, "I just wanted to know if you were alright."  
Jaehyun wondered how long he could suppress his thoughts for. He was curious about everything that involved Taeyong. He didn't want the older boy to hide secrets, he wanted to be the closest thing to him. He wanted to know everything.  
"You met up with your client didn't you?" Jaehyun asked quietly.  
The older boy raked a hand through his hair and let out a small "mm."  
"Are you okay?"  
Taeyong laughed a little then, hitting the taller boy on the arm. "I've been doing this for a while now, I'm okay!"  
"But it makes me feel weird to think of you doing that," Jaehyun mumbled.  
"Why?" Taeyong questioned.  
"I feel worried. And to be honest, it's because I care about you," Jaehyun replied, scuffing his shoe at the curb.  
Taeyong who before felt stifled and choked now felt light and calm. He felt the safety of Jaehyun's voice, it was comforting and stable.  
"Don't worry about me," Taeyong said softly, suddenly bringing a cold hand up to the side of Jaehyun's face. His thumb rubbed softly back and forth against Jaehyun's cheek. Taeyong looked at him through long lashes, before glancing at his lips. Momentarily, he stared up behind Jaehyun and dropped his hand gently. Jaehyun turned to see what he was staring at and could just make out a bedroom curtain twitch. Probably a drunken Johnny. He sighed in annoyance and stepped back a little.  
Taeyong glanced anxiously and put his head down, pulling his hoodie a little lower as to cover his face.  
The two boys made their way into the stairwell of the flats.  
In the hall light, Taeyong could see the redness on Jaehyun's cheeks and the tip of his nose. It made him smile, but it was projected as a smirk.  
When they got to their room, Taeyong paused at the door.  
"You don't think Johnny saw us do you?" Taeyong whispered.  
Jaehyun shrugged, "I don't know and I don't care. Do you really care if he saw?" It was a question that he wished Taeyong had answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly I'd like to apologise for how late I am uploading this very short chapter! A lot of things last year happened which kind of stopped my flow of writing. Thank you so much for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

The next day, the first years participated in a careers event. Students were notified that each subject department would set up tents, handing out leaflets and giving talks related to each career field. In other words, it was a day off.  
All the flatmates had arranged to go around the event together.  
"I just don't see why you guys wanna go to the talks first thing in the morning," a hungover Johnny mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of an eye.  
"Ah come on! The sooner we get there, the soon we get to come back," Ten replied.  
"True. And we'll be the first students there. I don't want to go later when it'll be busy," Jaehyun added.  
"Okay, okay. But I'm not sitting in an Engineering talk. Let's sign our names down, listen to the Psychology and Literature ones, and then catch up on some sleep."

The psychology talk commenced at around 10 and was relatively short. As expected, only a handful of students made it to the tent, dampened with early morning dew. Johnny was struggling to stay awake, and the rest of the boys were zoning out. The only two interested were Minhee and Esther who both majored in psychology. As soon as the talk finished, they collected leaflets and thanked the teacher. The boys gave a small bow of their heads and made their way to the literature tent. 

By the time the literature talk had started, more students had begun to file in.  
Minhee and Esther had disappeared and Yuta and Ten were preoccupied at the freebie stalls; collecting cups of coffee and university tote bags. Which left a still hungover Johnny, Jaehyun and Taeyong. They took their seats near towards the front.  
Neither boy had talked about the interaction the night before. Taeyong noticed the dark circles Johnny still wore from his time partying. It was probable that Johnny had forgotten about Taeyong and Jaehyun completely.

Johnny peered around "Looks like she's popular, look at the turnout."  
Jaehyun leaned into Johnny. "Popular for the wrong reasons. She's strict- our department director. She runs a tough class, doesn't she?" he asked, his question aimed at Taeyong.  
"I mean..I guess. I don't really pay attention to her," Taeyong replied.  
Johnny shrugged. "She must be doing something right to get this many students out of bed on a Monday morning."  
And Johnny was right. Ms Kang's talk ended up capturing the attention of the students, even those, like Johnny, who didn't study Literature.  
"Without passion, life is nothing. Please treasure your university experience- the world is yours so always aim high," Ms Kang said as a final word, stepping away from the podium and leaving for the next lecturer to take her place.  
Johnny stood up emphatically, "That's it! I'm getting back into literature. Tomorrow I'm going to start reading."  
Jaehyun laughed, "Are you sure you have time for that?"  
"Who am I kidding? Engineering is draining the life and soul out of me. And with that said- I'm going back to sleep." 

In the evening Johnny ordered pizza.  
"Hyung, do you want some? We've got pepperoni and margherita," Jaehyun called to Taeyong, who was washing dishes.  
Taeyong nodded, drying his hands on his pajama bottoms and joining the two boys sprawled out on the kitchen carpet.  
"This is good," Johnny said with his mouth half full.  
Jaehyun nodded in agreement.  
"Wow. I could get used to this. Delivered food, no classes, gosh...it feels like summer already," Johnny sighed.  
Taeyong smiled slightly, "You really don't like classes, do you? Is it the major itself or just turning up?"  
"Both. But after listening to that woman talking, I feel a bit inspired to study again."  
"Eh? Ms Kang inspired you?" Jaehyun laughed.  
Johnny nodded. "That's what I admire about you literature majors. 9 times out of 10 you're studying because you have a passion for it. Like an ambition or drive. But here I am counting down the days until summer break."  
"We all have times when we can't be bothered," Jaehyun reasoned.  
"Engineering does this to you," Johnny went on. "But your teacher made me think- if we don't have passion then we don't have anything."  
Jaehyun was no longer listening to Johnny's monologue. Instead, he was focused on Taeyong, picking at a slice of his margherita pizza.  
"Which do you prefer, hyung? Pepperoni?" Jaehyun asked, patting Taeyong's leg in the process.  
"Yeah but I'm not fussy," Taeyong replied. He could feel himself blushing and glanced towards the carpet in order to distract himself.  
"Thought so. Stop being greedy, and give some to Taeyong," Jaehyun said, taking the pepperoni pizza box away from Johnny.  
"Huh..? I bought the damn thing," Johnny half laughed.  
"Yeah, it's okay Jaehyun, I'm not that hungry anymore. I'm just going to lie down for a while," Taeyong replied, getting up and going to his room.  
"He's missing out this pizza is good."  
"I'm pretty full too now. I'm heading to bed, night!" Jaehyun said, standing up.  
"Hey! I thought we'd drink some beer after this?" Johnny asked.  
Jaehyun scrunched up his nose, "No not tonight. Sleep well!" 

The younger boy peered into the bedroom to find Taeyong already in bed, his face turned to the wall.  
"Aren't you coming back out? You barely ate," Jaehyun asked.  
"I'm not hungry anymore," Taeyong mumbled.  
Jaehyun came to sit at the foot of Taeyong's bed, and this was a signal for the older boy to prop himself up against the pillows. Taeyong blinked towards the hazy lamplight.  
"Jaehyun tell me, which do you think lasts longer- love or lust?" he murmured.  
"What?"  
It was a question that was asked with no prewarning.  
"Which lasts longer in your opinion? Love or lust?" Taeyong reiterated, searching Jaehyun's eyes.  
Jaehyun looked down at his hands folded in his lap.  
"I mean...you would think love-"  
"That's what I thought. I just needed to hear it from someone else," Taeyong said abruptly.  
"Love is a special connection with someone, it's personal. With lust, it involves anyone. You could lust after multiple people because humans are greedy," Jaehyun reasoned.  
"You think?"  
Jaehyun nodded. "And in that way, lust can't last long, it's just a basic trait...it's like a desire. It'll burn out in the end."  
Taeyong pondered on what Jaehyun said momentarily, pouting a little.  
"But you don't think love burns out?" Taeyong asked.  
"Of course it can, nothing is permanent in this world."  
There was a short silence that filled the room. All that could be heard was the nighttime traffic a distance away. When they talked like this, it felt as though they were the only ones that existed. Taeyong was the only thing in Jaehyun's mind and vice versa. It was beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.  
"But anyway," Jaehyun went on "what would I know, I've never been in love."  
"Have you not?" Taeyong asked with wide eyes.  
Jaehyun shook his head, "I don't think so. Why? Have you?"  
"I haven't. I don't think I'm made for love."  
"What do you mean?" Jaehyun asked.  
"I'm not sure exactly," Taeyong said, "I'm just not."  
"So why ask about something you know you'll never feel?"  
"Everyone has curiosities. And I'm curious about love even though I know I won't feel it," Taeyong replied, his tone was quiet but adamant.  
"But how do you _know_? When you fall in love, you'll think differently," Jaehyun said gently.  
Taeyong laughed through his nose, "You have an optimistic view on love, don't you?"  
"Not optimistic...I just believe we're all capable of falling in love."  
"I don't think I should be included in your theory," Taeyong said, poking the corner of his eye with his little finger. This indicated to Jaehyun that the older boy was tired, and he got off his bed in response.  
Jaehyun wondered if Taeyong's withdrawn nature was to do with the night before. But he didn't want to press on further, not when Taeyong was so subdued.  
"Goodnight, hyung," Jaehyun sighed.  
"Goodnight."

Jaehyun woke from a confused sleep. It wasn't a particularly warm night, but he felt stifled in his bed. Glancing at the window, he could tell it was not yet dawn. Though the moon wasn't visible, the sky was a midnight blue with paler clouds of blue emerging slowly. Jaehyun got out of bed and noticed that Taeyong's was empty. Despite being roommates, despite their shared secret and even despite their mutual showing of affections, there was still a barrier between the two boys. Jaehyun could not ask where Taeyong was going or what he was doing without feeling foolish or intrusive. He was assured by Taeyong that he needn't worry, but he _did_ worry. It came so naturally to him to worry because he cared, and now Taeyong knew that.  
Glass of water in one hand and his phone in the other, Jaehyun wondered if he would be back any time soon- it was 4 am. To the younger boy, it was almost a replay of the previous night where he couldn't sleep, waiting for Taeyong's appearance. _Would this be a regular occurrence?_ Jaehyun thought to himself. His hand hovered over the Kakaotalk chatroom between the two boys. There was only one message sent and received. Nothing had changed since the last time he checked. Rather than a repeat of last night, he thought better of it and went back to bed, his head foggy and his heart aching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! this is technically a filler chapter for the good chapter coming up. I'm so sorry it took so long to update and thank you to anyone who is reading this for the first time/continuing to read it. I really appreciate it!!


	6. Chapter 6

The following morning, Jaehyun and a still-hungover Johnny sat in the kitchen, both sipping on hot sweet coffee.  
"I'm curious about something," Johnny said squinting over his cup, "What do Taeyong's parents _do?_ "  
Jaehyun placed his cup on the table. "What do you mean what do they do?"  
"Like their profession," Johnny replied, his voice barely a whisper.  
"How should I know that?"  
"I don't know, he's your roommate."  
Jaehyun let his head rest on his hand as if pondering for a moment. But he really didn't know much about Taeyong at all other than the host bar.  
"I guess it was a bit presumptuous of me to ask you that. You know Taeyong as well as I do," Johnny apologised.  
Jaehyun let out a nervous laugh. Despite telling Taeyong he didn't care about Johnny seeing their moment of skinship two nights ago, something deep down worried him. Perhaps he had caught on.  
"Why do you wonder about his parents, though?"  
"It's just..." Johnny trailed off, looking for the right words. His face was deep in thought and Jaehyun almost felt sorry for this poor boy who drunk too much the previous nights.  
"I think that woman- your head of department, is Taeyong's mother," Johnny whispered, leaning across the table so the younger boy could hear.  
Jaehyun laughed through his nose, "That's funny."  
"I'm sure of it," Johnny said adamantly.  
"Why would he study in the exact school and department his own mother works in?"  
"Beats me," Johnny shrugged, "special treatment...or-"  
"I don't think that's allowed," Jaehyun cut him off.  
Johnny scratched the side of his face dubiously, "I guess not."  
"I don't know where you get these ideas from–."  
"I don't magic these ideas out of nowhere, I _saw_ them together"  
"What?"  
"I saw them together," Johnny replied.  
Johnny's curt response shocked Jaehyun to the point where he couldn't help but blink for a few moments.  
"It could've just been a one-on-one feedback session. We have them all the time," Jaehyun reasoned.  
Johnny sat back in his chair, shaking his head. "That's not it. Who'd have a feedback session in the early hours of the morning?"  
Jaehyun squinted his eyes momentarily. "You saw them _when_?"  
Johnny chuckled. "I don't remember exactly, I was pretty drunk but it must've been a few nights ago. You came outside for a smoke by the looks of things."  
"You mean the day you and Taeyong came back together?"  
Johnny picked at his bottom lip in concentration. "Yeah, that must've been it. Anyway, that's the only reason we went home together. He was getting out of her car and I happened to pass by. So I assumed she was his relative."  
Jaehyun's mind raced from one possibility to the next. Concluding that the middle-aged woman was most likely Taeyong's client. But it couldn't have possibly been Ms Kang, surely.  
"Or his girlfriend," Johnny joked, seemingly trying to make light out of the situation.  
"You were drunk and clearly mistook the woman. Don't go spreading rumours around like that, seriously," Jaehyun said, standing up.  
"Jeez...chill out. Anyone would think she's _your_ mother."  
"Chill out? _chill out?_ You can ruin people's careers by saying stuff like that. You're seriously thoughtless."  
"Hey. Isn't that a bit too far to be talking to your hyung like that?" Johnny asked, his eyes wide.  
"You may be older than me, but I'm not your senior. We entered university in the same year."  
"Equals or not, don't you think this is disrespectful? You're taking it too far," Johnny replied, his tone with an edge of aggression.  
"If you want respect, I suggest you earn it," Jaehyun said. And with that he left the kitchen, leaving a dumbfounded Johnny behind. 

Jaehyun bumped into Taeyong in the corridor. His hair was still wet from his morning shower, his eyes wide and innocent. The look was enough to calm down Jaehyun's angry heart...almost. But then Jaehyun remembered he hadn't seen Taeyong's face since his disappearance last night. A disappointment remained inside him, as heavy and solid as a lump of stone in the pit of his stomach.  
"Do you want to get breakfast?" Taeyong asked brightly.  
If Jaehyun didn't know any better, he would think Taeyong was fully rested and content. But Jaehyun _did_ know better. He knew that Taeyong left halfway through the night. This boy who was incapable of loving anyone. This boy who was likely kissing and touching that woman for hours on end.  
_Did he think about me when he was doing those things to her?_ Jaehyun thought. But he pushed it out of his mind. Either way, he felt betrayed by the older boy.  
Jaehyun lowered his gaze, "Um, no, not today. I've got some things scheduled."  
"Ah...I see. Well, I'll see you in class then?" Taeyong offered, but Jaehyun walked away before he could continue. 

Taeyong sat at the breakfast bar. A deflated Johnny was now picking at his cereal.  
"What's wrong with everyone today?" Taeyong said under his breath. It was supposed to be inaudible, but Johnny had heard.  
"Your roommate getting worked up, that's what."  
"Did something happen?" Taeyong asked, buttering a slice of toast.  
"Maybe I was in the wrong because I was talking about you. But I wasn't talking _badly_ of you," Johnny explained.  
Taeyong raised an eyebrow, "You were talking about me?"  
"No...no, not like that. I just harmlessly asked about your department director, that's all."  
Taeyong stopped buttering his toast, the knife resting in his hand.  
"Department director?"  
"I was probably pretty drunk and mistook the situation," Johnny chuckled nervously.  
"Stop babbling, what are you talking about?" Taeyong asked softly.  
"That night I bumped into you after drinking, you were coming out of a woman's car, right?" Johnny asked.  
Taeyong didn't reply. He kept his hollow gaze focused on Johnny, signalling that he should continue.  
"I got a good look at that woman. And she resembles your department director. So...I just asked Jaehyun, if he knew your relation to each other. I thought it was your mother in all honesty..." Johnny trailed off.  
"And you asked Jaehyun all of this?" Taeyong asked quietly.  
Johnny nodded. He had never seen Taeyong's eyes so cold and devoid of emotion, it was terrifying.  
"You've got the wrong woman. In the future can you try not to spread rumours about me?" Taeyong said, leaving the kitchen. 

 

Jaehyun arrived late to his last lecture of the day, purposely. But for once, it wasn't so he could sit next to Taeyong- it was for the opposite reason. He sat towards the back of the lecture hall since Taeyong was nearer to the front. But Jaehyun positioned himself so he still had a clear view of him. Directly a few rows behind, both of the boys to the left of the hall.  
Taeyong typed as the teacher spoke but this was simply a physical movement. He didn't take in anything that the teacher was saying. His mind was too preoccupied for that.  
His roommate was staring directly at the back of his neck. Taeyong didn't turn around once in the lecture, but he just _knew_ that was what Jaehyun was doing. He could feel his gaze, and it burned him.  
The one person Taeyong didn't want to find out knew about his client, knew. And it pained him. All he had had to tell Jaehyun, was that it was a misunderstanding, Johnny was too drunk to know what was going on. But that was just another lie to be spun into the web of lies. And Jaehyun wasn't naive, either. 

Taeyong ran over to Jaehyun as they got outside. Because it was an evening lecture, nighttime was fast approaching. The wind was cold and the sound of a distant siren mixed with the nighttime air.  
"Are you avoiding me?" Taeyong asked quietly, trying to catch his breath.  
Jaehyun stopped walking so fast and turned to a wide-eyed Taeyong, "No, why would you think that?"  
"You just walked off," the older boy mumbled.  
Jaehyun raised an eyebrow, "Why is that a problem. We don't walk everywhere together."  
Taeyong shrugged, suddenly beginning to feel less than his age.  
"Were you expecting me to walk you back to our room?" Jaehyun laughed lightly.  
"No."  
Taeyong felt both conflicted and guilty, which took the form of a lump in his throat. He didn't know what to say but he knew he had to say something. He had to explain. And though he wanted to lie, as was a habit of most hosts, he had an underlying feeling of compassion towards Jaehyun. He couldn't lie to the person he deeply cared about.  
"Can we talk?" Taeyong asked.  
"We're talking now," Jaehyun replied flatly.  
"Jaehyun, you know that's not what I meant. _Please?_ "  
Jaehyun exhaled deeply. "Okay but let's make it quick."  
"Not here though. Can we go to the park?" Taeyong asked.  
Jaehyun shrugged in the darkness and started to walk in the direction of the park. Taeyong following a little behind. 

Jaehyun took a different route which compromised of climbing up the steps in the park to see the cities nighttime view. They sat on a bench placed on the highest hill of the park. It was empty now, given that it was so late. But in the distance, the city lights twinkled. It looked like a different world when compared with the serenity of the idyllic place they were currently in.  
"When I was 10, my mother told me I could do anything I put my mind to," Taeyong said suddenly.  
"That's nice and everything but why are you telling me this?" Jaehyun asked.  
"Just listen," Taeyong replied quietly.  
Jaehyun sighed and leaned back, burying his chin inside his hoodie.  
"It's a pretty generic thing for a parent to tell their child. And I wanted to believe what my mother said, but by middle school I already knew that wasn't true," Taeyong went on. "All my friends were going to cram schools. I didn't necessarily want to take classes until late at night but I didn't want to be helping my mother with part-time jobs either. It's not something you should have to think about when you're a kid, where the next meal is coming from."  
Jaehyun peered at Taeyong, but he was in his own world. Staring out into the distance- his expression appeared completely vacant.  
"So when it came to applying to universities, I pretty much had nothing to show for it. No special music classes, no martial arts, just that I enjoyed reading in the library and that I wanted to go," Taeyong laughed, though it was more like a puff of air.  
"The year I was supposed to go to university, I took a year out. I was determined to prove my mother right. But I knew it'd take a lot of hard work to save up tuition fee money. I think one day when I was coming back from my pizzeria job, I was walking down the strip of bars and clubs- you know the one near Myeongdong?"  
Jaehyun nodded silently.  
"And I saw the host bar then, for the first time. It looked pretty tacky but there was a good looking guy at the front that came to me and asked if I was looking for a well-paying job. I wasn't _that_ naive of course. There were a few back and forth discussions before I decided I'd give it a try."  
"A try," Taeyong snorted, "like it was the easiest job in the world."  
"So that's how you came to join?" Jaehyun asked.  
"Yeah. And we all have a regular client, someone who's loyal and comes to us no matter what. For me, that was a middle-aged woman who lived in the Gangnam area. She was fairly attractive," Taeyong said.  
Something in Jaehyun's stomach lurched. _Was this supposed to make him feel better?_ he thought. All he felt was jealousy and mild annoyance.  
"Well attractive enough, for a customer I mean," Taeyong said as if reading his thoughts.  
"Anyway, one evening, just before I was leaving the hotel, she started going into her life story. How she was in an unhappy marriage, how she was lonely...the usual stuff like that. And she wanted me to tell my life story. So I told her, I was trying to save money to go to university and that I wanted to study literature."  
There was another pause. It was a long one this time and filled with a hollowness.  
"I'm sure you can put two and two together..." Taeyong trailed off.  
"No don't stop now, I'm quite oblivious to what you're trying to say," Jaehyun said, half sarcastically.  
"That woman is Ms Kang. And she helped me get onto the program," Taeyong replied, staring at the ground now.  
"So Johnny was right," Jaehyun sighed.  
"Yes. He was and I would've told you sooner but I panicked and if the word gets out, I'll be made to leave."  
"I owe him an apology."  
"Please, Jaehyun..." Taeyong pleaded.  
"Please what? You got in through special treatment. You do know that's illegal, right?" Jaehyun said, looking directly at the older boy.  
"But it's not like I didn't have a passion for Literature in the first place. I just wasn't given the opportunity because of my financial situation."  
"Hyung, I understand growing up was hard for you. But a lot of us deal with whatever life throws at us. I listened to your sob story but this is wrong."  
"It's not a sob story. I just gave you context about the situation," Taeyong protested.  
Jaehyun raked a hand through his hair, feeling already guilty for what he had said. "Sob story or not, you really thought you could just carry on like this? Letting her use you and then go to her class the following day like everything's normal?"  
"She wasn't using me, this is a business," Taeyong said, but Jaehyun wasn't listening.  
"Well it sounds like it to me."  
"You know how nervous I was in the beginning, it wasn't easy for me. It's not easy for _anyone_ when they're starting out in a job like that. But she helped me. As twisted as it sounds, she was like another parental figure."  
"Except you were- and still are having sex with her," Jaehyun uttered.  
"I'm not having sex with her anymore," Taeyong said quietly.  
"You're not?" Jaehyun asked, his tone of voice lighter now.  
"No. Anyway, you helped me the most out of anyone I met there. So if anyone should be able to understand this situation, it's _you_ ," Taeyong said turning to Jaehyun. It was too dark to make out his features clearly, but Taeyong swore he could see Jaehyun's eyes wet with tears.  
"I know you said you got me into this and that might've been true, but you also comforted me and helped me along the way. For that I'm thankful."  
Jaehyun looked past the park, his vision blurred so that the skyline was nothing more than a collection of twinkling dots.  
Some time passed before Taeyong spoke again.  
"I know that this is a lot to take in. But you're the only person I can trust to tell. Because we share the same experience."  
"But why didn't you tell me your client was Ms Kang?"  
"I was scared," Taeyong replied honestly, "But I like you and I knew I had to tell you sooner or later."  
In the silence and darkness, Taeyong took Jaehyun's hand in his and then thinking better of it, dropped it.  
"I'm sorry," Taeyong whispered.  
"Look at me," Jaehyun said.  
Taeyong turned his body to face him on the bench, but his eyes were focused on a point past Jaehyun's face.  
"No, I said look at _me_."  
This time Taeyong looked at Jaehyun. His eyes dropped to Jaehyun's lips, which seemed to be moving silently as if planning what to say next.  
"I don't want you to be sorry," Jaehyun replied, his voice softer now. "Because I like you too. You know that."  
"I didn't," Taeyong replied.  
Jaehyun smiled momentarily. "Well, I do. You've always been so naive. I liked you since the day I met you, hyung."  
Taeyong nodded, his eyes still focused on his lips.  
"I think you know already that I'm not good with words, so..." Taeyong cut off his own sentence by leaning in to kiss Jaehyun. When their lips met, all the anger and jealousy Jaehyun felt throughout the day melted away. Jaehyun raised his hands to meet Taeyong's face, one stroking his hair and the other hand gently holding the side of his face. Jaehyun expected Taeyong to feel small and vulnerable against his lips, but Taeyong's lips mirrored Jaehyun's- slow, passionate and hungry movements. He had worked at a host bar, after all.  
The more forceful and wet the kiss became, the more Jaehyun could feel himself hardening. He had to pull away before instincts took over.  
They sat breathlessly for a few moments, not saying a word.  
Jaehyun turned to Taeyong once more. "If you want I'll keep quiet. But please end things with Ms Kang, you _have_ to."  
Taeyong nodded chewing his bottom lip.  
"You're not strapped for cash anymore, are you?" Jaehyun asked.  
"No, I have enough money."  
"You're here now. If she tries to report you, she's only hurting her image even more. So just tell her quietly that you won't meet her anymore," Jaehyun explained.  
"I'll try. And you promise you won't tell anyone about this? I feel bad for lying to Johnny, but I'm gone if I get found out," Taeyong sighed.  
"I promise. It'll be our secret," Jaehyun assured him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of surprised myself with this chapter lol. anyway, comments are appreciated as always and thank you for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how this fic will turn out, I'm just writing as I'm going along as I usually do.


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